Living in the moment

Someone said to me today that I should spend more time “living in the moment”. I do agree but here lies the difficulty; I spend my life living on tender hooks, waiting for the next anxiety, wobble, tantrum, meltdown. I am constantly scanning the horizon trying to pre-empt it and stop it from happening.

When I mentioned this a friend once said “really? You would never know. You always seem quite calm” well, I guess I am good at hiding it.

When you have a child with sensory processing difficulties the slightest odd smell, a loud noise, the rain on the window even can cause a meltdown. Our current bug bear is the feel of the carpet on bare feet which can cause no end of tears. As a mum it’s my job to try and stop or limit these things so my child does not get upset but it’s tricky. Sometimes I don’t succeed but some days I do.

The most heartbreaking thing is to witness that everyday things which would not even be on our radar is like the biggest traumatic experience for my child. How can I sit back and just let that happen if I could possibly avoid it?

If you have never lived like this it must be hard to understand. I would love to live in the moment and be as care free as the next person but I know it will never happen. My “job” as being a mum to a child with SPD means that it will never happen.

And then I have the guilt that whilst I am focusing and stressing on this what about my other children. Is it fair to expect them to just go along with things, shouldn’t I be spending just as much time stressing for them?

my mum once said that being a parent means that you always feel guilty about something, a decision you make or didn’t make etc.

I guess what I am trying to ask is it ok to live like this? Have others managed to find a balance and how do you cope with the dynamics of siblings?

Any tips greatly appreciated.


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